Buckingham Fountain Spraying Sideways Diagnosed With UTI

By Daniel Stillman

CHICAGO, IL - Looking more like a garden sprinkler that belongs to an affluent Kennilworth family, the Buckingham Fountain has been spraying sideways, completely soaking Chicagoans and tourists for the past week. The American Urological Association launched an investigation into the spectacle, which concluded with a diagnosis of a urinary tract infection.

“Spraying sideways happens to plenty of individuals every year and it’s a telltale sign of a UTI, but we haven’t seen this happen to an overlooked tourist attraction before,” said Mark Jones, President of the American Urological Foundation. “The sideways spraying means the fountains drain tract is temporarily narrowed which leads us to one conclusion - the Buckingham Fountains has been getting laid.”

Aside from being uncomfortable for the fountain, tourists have taken the brunt of the infection.  “I’ve gotten completely drenched by the Buckingham Fountain during my segway tour of the city,” said Kathy Davis, a tourist. “It burns... I think it’s gonorrhea.”

The American Urological Association recommended that the Buckingham Fountain take a 10-day antibiotic, and stay far, far away from the Picasso sculpture.