Emporium Caters To Man-Child Clientele, Adds Milk And Snackies To Menu

By Ang Stybetch

CHICAGO, IL - In a highly anticipated effort to accommodate their booming man-child customer base, Emporium announced on Wednesday that the beloved arcade bar is officially serving milk and yummy snackies at all three Chicago locations.

“Society tends to assume that all 41-year-old men such as myself love craft beers,” gamer, and Loop-based CPA Lenny Grossman commented without looking up from the Austin Powers-themed pinball machine he had been hogging for two hours and counting. “Sorry, but I’m more of a TruMoo kind of guy.”

A clear upgrade from the previous menu that offered no food options, Emporium now allows hungry patrons to pair a cold sippy cup of milk with their choice from a smorgasbord of new bites including peeled grapes and Ziploc baggies filled with Cheez-Its. Even the gamers’ mommies are thrilled about the healthy alternatives that won’t be so hard on their growing boys’ tummies.

“Look at you, getting all big and strong,” praised helicopter mom Mrs. Grossman with a cheesy smile as she pinched her son’s acne-ridden cheeks. “Mom, stop, you’re embarrassing me in front of my friends,” Lenny Grossman pleaded in humiliation, still furiously fingering the pinball machine flippers.

Despite the majority of customers and parents who are excited about the updates, other less grateful bar-goers are already demanding tastier, sugary options such as juice boxes and Gushers. Frustrated by their immature clientele’s lack of appreciation, Emporium stated that the boys can get certain treats added to the menu once they learn their pleases and thank-yous.