Top 10 Tips for an Unforgettable Coronavirus Test Results-Reveal Party!

By Ed Pommelnu

1. Decorations! To pack your event with the drama it deserves, ask your doctor to seal the results in a festive balloon filled with confetti and a fine white powder that may or may not contain a lethal dose of COVID-19.

2. Guest list! Keep the party itself an intimate affair so you can soak in the moment rather than playing host to a crowd of friends and family who will serve as additional vectors for spreading the disease.

3. Competition! Ask your party-goers to share their predictions, Deadpool-style.

4. Professional photos! If the results are positive, enlist a photographer you can trust to quickly delete any photos.

5. Colors! Mix up the traditional green/positive and red/negative results with health-neutral color combos like purple/black, blue/yellow, or plaid/pinstripes.

6. Props! Add a crafty touch to the occasion by printing a light-hearted phrase on a banner like “Kiss me! I’m healthy!” or “WARNING: QUARANTINE PATIENT INSIDE”.

7. Venue! Choose a location within at least 3 miles of a hospital with a Level One Infectious Disease Quarantine Protocol.

8. Family! Prepare yourself for the immediate post-reveal next of kin questions. Make sure you and your significant other are on the same page regarding who gets what after you die. A carefully crafted will helps prevent family members from embarrassing themselves bickering over your meager possessions.

9. Costs! Now may be the time to set expectations on how much money you really want to spend fighting this disease. With a 1 in 50 chance of death, is it really worth raiding your 401k to pay for a hospital stay that might not really accomplish anything?

10. Adults Only! Don’t invite anyone under the age of 12 or over the age of 85 unless you want them to die