Jesse White Tumblers Ordered to Flip at Least 6 Feet Above People’s Heads

By Daniel Stillman

CHICAGO, IL - The coronavirus pandemic has forced people all over the world to change their behavior to protect those most vulnerable, and the Jesse White Tumblers are now being forced to do the same. Governor Pritzker in his most recent press conference ordered the Jesse White Tumblers to flip at least six feet above people’s heads in accordance to CDC guidelines. 

“Although we shout, clap and cry with joy seeing the tumblers jump over nervous suburban children and adults at festivals all over Chicagoland, it’s clear they are flipping way too close for comfort during this time,” said Governor Pritzker. “I’m calling on Jesse White and his mystical tumblers to begin flipping at least six feet above people’s heads. At the very least, it will look pretty sick.” 

The move was expected, but Illinois Secretary of State Jesse White, the founder of the Jesse White Tumblers doesn’t know how his magical tumblers can take any more precaution than they already do to avoid coronavirus. 

“It’s pretty odd to target the only consistent source of joy in the state of Illinois, but my tumblers will make sure not to flip out over the news.” said Secretary White. “I am asking the tumblers to no longer high-five the people they just jumped over and no longer congratulate them for participating in a death defying jump at a summer corn festival.”

Secretary White says the team will need a bouncier trampoline, and have secured funding from the DMV’s budget.