“Ever since it was brought home to the apartment, it has sat in the back, slumped over and gathering dust. It has been opened once, when the owner went on a health kick, but has been abandoned ever since.”
Read More“Imagine a world in which you don’t have a set maximum salary or hours, and you don’t have to work when you don't want to. Sounds amazing right?”
Read More“I have absolute faith there will be plenty of charitable people out there who are willing to help us reach our goal out of the goodness of their hearts.”
Read More“I’ve been buying up spleens,” said Lakeview resident Carolyn Bauers. “Doctors still don’t know what they do, but if they ever figure it out, I’ll have the market cornered.”
Read More“We found that the greater density of social networks and the increased opportunities for interaction helped to lessen instances of depression in city dwellers,” continued the young man, who presumably has more friends than he can count on one hand.
Read More“He really brought his A-Game. You could see his radar updates getting more confident, and his hand motions were firm but reassuring. We all thought this was his shot at the big leagues. He was like Tonya Harding at the 1991 US Championships.”
Read More“I will literally take my sorry grassy ass and plop my entire 319 acres of soil, flowers, fountains, worms, trees, pigeon and seagull poop, and go bunk out at the penthouse at the St. Regis. They offered me a pretty good deal, and honestly, they would love to offer their residents who are paying over $6000 a month in rent exclusive access to myself.”
Read More“So many people have felt lost and alone during the lockdown,” said Planetarium Spokesperson Henry Firms. “We want them to know that they’re also lost and alone in the cosmos.”
Read More“I was going to color with a blue crayon, but Sarah had the blue so I coloreded it with gween instead,” said Landon Wulfsohn, who will have three of his pieces displayed in the new immersive exhibit, “I never know what I’m going to color. I just scwibble.”
Read More“I may even start to use multiple therapists. I can talk to one about my kinship with stray cats, and maybe I can talk to another about how to assert myself more in convenience stores.”
Read More“Come on, team. Just like the Cubs and White Sox, we need to step it into gear. I want a vaccine in every arm of every Illinoisan. Just get a fudging vaccine already.”
Read MoreSo, to honor this historic date, we’re knocking our prices off three-fifths in memory of the noble contributions slaves made for this country in helping to keep supplies high and expenses low.”
Read More“Our system is quite simple. Our doorman has a chart that they can hold up to the patrons’ faces to determine where they land on the hotness scale. We are committed to our high standards for people that want to take 76 pictures in front of our ‘Rosé All Day’ sign,” said Smith, pouring half a bottle of vodka into a fish bowl.
Read More"I was only vaccinated just recently. Not that I thought it was made of fetuses or anything, I was just waiting for the right incentive, and man did Krispy Kreme deliver," said Carl, after drinking four bottles of water.
Read MoreLEO:
You need to be number one; that’s probably why you had your senior picture turned into an NFT. With Mercury entering the third house at about one pm today, it’s best not to watch the value too closely. Trust me, you don’t want to see it.
Read More“Due to the COVID-19 plague, many fiefdoms were forced to furlough their villeins, or even execute them en masse. However, some are now struggling to find enough workers bound to the land to reopen the feudal economy.”
Read More“After repeatedly saying ‘Da Bears’ to his 12 year-old daughter who hadn’t seen any SNL pre-2014, Ted was sure he had struck gold. The anticipation of wowing his family was too much to bare and he might have overshot his grand finale, leaning heavily on this ultimate ‘windy city’ zing.”
Read More“It was like someone woke up my inner child and gave them lead solo in a racist opera.”
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