Sad! Tourist Dad Waits All Day for Gust of Wind that Never Comes

By Mick Cohen-Carroll

CHICAGO, IL – Following a successful run of yelling out “CHEEZBOIGER” at The Billy Goat Tavern, Minnesotan father Ted Tootenkampf waited all day for a gust of wind that never came, thereby making him unable to complete his Chicago-joke-specific journey.

“All I wanted was the ability to say ‘that’s why they call it the Windy City,’’’ he admitted dejectedly. Sadly for Tootenkampf, he would not be able to make another heavy-handed joke that would’ve surely impressed his family and made them love him just a little bit more.

After repeatedly saying “Da Bears” to his 12 year-old daughter who hadn’t seen any SNL pre-2014, Ted was sure he had struck gold. The anticipation of wowing his family was too much to bare and he might have overshot his grand finale, leaning heavily on this ultimate “windy city” zing.

But the Chicago skies had a mind of their own. On the Tootenkampfs’ last day of visiting, they went outside only to be greeted by a clammy, sun drenched 87 degrees with no wind in sight. Tootenkampf even tried to take his family to the shoreline for that famous “Lake Effect”, but the air stood still without even a slight breeze. It was as though the fates were conspiring against him and his comedy.

“Honestly I don’t even know who he is without his cultural reference-based one-liners,” said his concerned wife.

Ted was silent for the rest of the trip. He did not so much as utter a word between his Marriott Hotel Suite in River North, and Midway’s C Terminal. “May no tourist ever have to suffer through our ordeal,” were his final words as he boarded the plane to go back home.

As the story goes, Tootenkampf allegedly planned on saying, “I’m walking here,” on his next family trip to NYC, but remains too affected to comment on whether or not he will go through with it at this time.