Meditating Lakeview Man Appalled to Hear Inner Voice Shouting Racial Slurs
Photo Credit: Aaron McDavis
By Aaron McDavis
CHICAGO, IL – What began as a normal Wednesday evening of yoga meditation soon took a turn for the worse when participant, John Christopher, tapped into a spiritual voice from within, only to discover it shouting obscene racial slurs.
Christopher, a young, self-identifying liberal and social activist, is known for his public stance against racism and police brutality from his frequent postings of Black Lives Matter hashtags and Stop Asian Hate Memes on social media. “It was horrible,” said Christopher. “There I was on the mat, mind at peace. Then out of nowhere comes this soft, golden voice in my head growing louder and louder. It was beautiful…until, I realized it was shouting the n-word.”
The inner voice, a baby-faced, cupid-like figure, introed with a rising crescendo of racists rants and topped off with a powerful, harmonious peak of White replacement theory. Despite Christopher’s effort to suppress the embarrassing internal hate speech, it inevitably resurfaced once Korean-American classmate Simon, accidently knocked him over while getting up and heading to the bathroom, resulting in the Christopher’s inner voice gallantly reciting a largely bigoted yet strangely melodic mental tirade against those of Asian descent. To make matters worse, the inner voice then targeted its racial insults toward other classmates. “It let loose with practically every slur in the book for different groups of people. I couldn’t believe it. It was like someone woke up my inner child and gave them lead solo in a racist opera.”
Despite these recent events, Christopher insists the internal racism existing inside of him does not represent him as a person. When questioned, Christopher denied ever personally using those pejorative statements out loud.
“Of course I wouldn’t say that stuff. Not in a million years. I mean, it doesn’t count when you say it ironically, right? Or at least when everyone’s out of earshot? Or when you quote a Quentin Tarantino movie? How can it be racist when you’re simply committing to character?”
The internal voice, however, expressed opinion to the contrary. “Total @!#?@!,” said the voice, opening up a can of PBR and slumping back in a La-Z-Boy futon residing in the metaphysical realm of Christopher’s mind. “There’s not a @!#?@! thing I said that John doesn’t wish he could say out loud. Like how he wanted to call that foreign looking guy jumping the grocery line a @!#?@!. Or the co-worker who got promoted over him an affirmative action @!#?@!. And don’t get me started on his @!#?@! neighbor with those @!#?@!. But at least they’re better than those @!#?@! back in @!#?@! with that @!#?@! Know what I’m sayin’?”
When asked how someone with such a heavenly voice could express such shockingly hateful things, the internal voice scoffed. “Just ‘cause someone looks cute on the outside they can’t be ugly on the inside? Stereotype much?”
At press time, the inner voice had completed a two week course on racial sensitivity and is managing to quell its tirades. “Although,” he added, “there was that time it called that lady’s barking dog a @!#?@! in falsetto.”