Mothers Announce Plan to Go and Buy you a Little Treat from Newly Opened Farmers Market

By Tanya Kornilovich

CHICAGO, IL - in light of the Wicker Park Farmers Market‘s reopening, all of the mothers of Chicago have released a collective statement that they will go and procure you a little treat. The statement is published in full below:

“To all of our children, from our literal babies to our adult children (who are still our babies, mostly because we still pay for your phone bill) —

Thank you for the lovely Mother's day weekend. We were spoiled with an extra twenty minutes of sleep, only two loads of laundry to do, and heaps of pasta art and cinnamon flavored candles. If only we could be this lucky every weekend, we probably wouldn’t have to purchase Wine Mom merchandise.

But the month of May keeps on giving! Farmers market season is upon us, which ranks up there with winery tours and Bridgerton marathons.

We are planning on FaceTiming you to tell you that we are packing five reusable bags, two sweaters, and a box of latex gloves, and we will invite you through to come along using guilt.

At the farmers market, we will stroll for at least 90 minutes. We will stop by each booth for no less than 12 minutes and we will discuss which vegetables are in season and the benefits of organic food because goddammit we’re at a farmers market.

While we’re there, we might go ahead and ask you why you never call us even though you’re on the family phone plan, and also ask if you’ve thought about going to graduate school.

If you’re under the age of 7 you will be on a child leash.

At the end of the stroll, we will ask you if you need a little treat. A jar of honey? A scone? A hunk of cheese? It’s our treat! You deserve it.

We’ll also slip a twenty-dollar bill as we drop you off.

We know you’ll probably avoid future farmers markets with us, but we will continue to invite you using Minion memes."

Signed,

Chicago mothers