Walmart Celebrates Juneteenth, Knocks Prices Off by Three-Fifths

By Aaron McDavis

KELVYN PARK, CHICAGO - Earlier this month, Walmart announced that all of their stores will be honoring Juneteenth, the popular holiday recognizing the emancipation of American slaves after the Civil War, with a special holiday sale of sixty percent off on special products, or as the company calls it, The Three-Fifths Summer Deal.

“We here at Walmart understand the importance of Juneteenth,” said spokeswoman Roberta Edith Lee. “It was on June 19, 1865, that the citizens of Galveston, Texas learned that the era slavery in America was officially abolished. So, to honor this historic date, we’re knocking our prices off three-fifths in memory of the noble contributions slaves made for this country in helping to keep supplies high and expenses low.”

The sale begins Saturday, June 19th. “Customers will have the chance to exploit the three-fifths summer deal on a variety of products,” stated Lee, “including rice, sugar, tobacco, and all clothing items made of at least sixty percent cotton.” The sale will last until each store’s closing time or, according to Lee, “However long until city officials discover that we’re violating labor laws. In all fairness, the message of emancipation was really given out in 1863, but only made it to Galveston in 1865. So, you could argue our policies are still in the spirit of Juneteenth.”

Answering concerns on whether stores were well prepared for the sales rush, Lee assured that each employee would be diligently working to keep the shelves full for the customer’s convenience. “Our employees are more than capable of handling the anticipated heavy workload all day, from sunup to sundown. Each will be ready to keep everything stocked, clean, and ready to sell and they’ll do it with a smile on their face, a song in their voice, and a tap in their step.”

Walmart will also supply their associates with special work vests commemorating the holiday. The vests were described as bright red zip-ups made partially of plastic bottles and crumbled up store receipts collected from the parking lot. On the back of each vest reads “⅗”. “It’s our little way of expressing our gratitude to the workers,” “Lee said.“ As America’s largest employer, we want that number to remind associates of how much they mean to us. After all, this company would never be where we are now if it weren’t for their hard work, dedication, and the massive cuts we made to their wages and benefits. Because here at Walmart, we know there’s no productivity without people. Which is why we like to think we’re not just selling products, but people too.”

At press time, Roberta Edith Lee took the lead on developing a new employee orientation video using Juneteenth to defend the company’s opposition against unions.