20,000 Downstate Commenters Sold to Alden Capital

By Lexington Concord Jr.

CHICAGO - Officials today confirmed the sale of 20,000 angry downstate social media commenters to Alden Capital, the Chicago Tribune’s parent company.

The commenters, who hail from “never you mind” and attended the “school of Hard Knocks,” are expected to continue their discourse despite not residing in the greater Chicagoland area.

The sale puts Chicago’s oldest newspaper and one of the last defenders of freedom of the press in the USA’s third largest city in jeopardy.  The deal was largely met with American flag emojis.

Now in the hands of hedge fund managers, the soon-to-be-restructured Tribune, founded in 1847, will continue publishing news and other content for good honest folks to take out their frustrations.

“Typical Lightfoot bullshit,” responded one reader, seemingly unaware of the nature of the transaction.  “What about black crime?!&” added another, under an article about the COVID restrictions at Navy Pier.

The commenters, who visited Chicago in 1997 and didn’t care for it one bit, were undeterred by the news.  

“DAMN RIGHT!  WWG1WGA!” expressed one such patriot under the latest John Kass column.

At press time, Chicago Sun-Times reporters were waiting to hear back about that AP gig.