Frustrated JB Shouts, “Get the Fudging Vaccine Already!”
By Jeremy Drazner
CHICAGO, IL—At a recent news conference at Daley Plaza, JB Pritzker brought a real dad energy as he doubled down on his efforts to raise vaccine rates once again in Illinois. According to the CDC, only 41% of Illinois residents are vaccinated, and the Governor hasn’t been this nervous since he coached his son’s little league team in the District Championship.
“Come on, team. Just like the Cubs and White Sox, we need to step it into gear. I want a vaccine in every arm of every Illinoisan. Just get a fudging vaccine already,” Pritzker said in a tone that some called, “aggressive in a, ‘not sure if he is angry or joke upset’ kind of way.” Many felt shocked and saddened by this tone, but they felt that the governor was ultimately not mad, just disappointed.
The governor continued to talk about all the great things that can come back for those who are vaccinated again, saying, “You can do fun activities like going to Jeni’s Ice Cream after a T-ball game and actually be able to sit down in the air conditioning instead of walking and eating your cone at the same time, only for it to melt and get all over your hand and you have an existential crisis on whether you aggressively lick the ice cream to try to save the cone or you throw it out halfway to safely grocery shopping.” As he spoke, he looked out in the distance and had a look of content because he knew what a great memory coaching T-ball was with his son. He then transitioned into a disappointed expression while thinking about not being able to enjoy air conditioning yet.
“In addition to not having to wear a mask once you are vaccinated, I also have created incentive programs to encourage people to get the vaccine. If you get your first dose of the vaccine within the next two weeks you will get to enter into a raffle in which the winner gets to spend a day with me, Governor JB Pritzker. Now that’s a prize I think everybody will want,” Pritzker said while dramatically pointing to himself with his thumb. “Remember, if you get vaccinated you can safely hug your grandma. If you have a weird relationship with your grandma, you should still get vaccinated and just tell her you haven’t gotten one.”
Reports have shown that five lucky newly vaccinated people have opted into the raffle to spend the day with Governor Pritzker. The city of Chicago waits with bated breath until the winner of the prize of a lifetime, a day with Governor J.B. Pritzker, is announced.
Whoever wins the prize I hope they get along with the governor like peanut butter and jelly, spaghetti and meatballs, or two peas in a soy pod. Please, just get the fudging vaccine.