By Tanya Kornilovich

CHICAGO, IL - As thousands of Chicagoans face bankruptcy and eviction in the wake of COVID-19, tech giant Citadel Enterprises has announced the release of a new money-making app that will “completely disrupt the organ transplant industry as we know it,” according to a press release.

The app, called CorpoCash, is undergoing beta testing in select Chicago areas, and it’s already making a big difference for users.

“It’s great,” said user David Rickles of Humboldt Park. “You just put in your info--height, weight, age, family history, and then you undergo an invasive medical examination--right from the comfort of your own home! You can put up anything for sale--plasma, blood, a kidney. Why should my wallet be empty when my torso is so full?”

App users can not only sell organs and other vital fluids, but also bid on them.

“I’ve been buying up spleens,” said Lakeview resident Carolyn Bauers. “Doctors still don’t know what they do, but if they ever figure it out, I’ll have the market cornered.”

The app is not without controversy, however. Critics have pointed out that sellers are not required to show proof of ownership, leaving room for organ thieves to effectively fence stolen body parts.

“There’s a chance for some fraud, sure,” said Citadel spokesperson Taylor Compton. “But that’s true any time the market expands into new territory. I think what’s important is that consumers are finally standing together and telling big government that they don’t get to decide what we do with our insides. That’s between us, God, and the highest bidder.”

Citadel also announced that users can make extra money through the app by becoming registered CorpoCash organ harvesters, provided they have access to a clean table, complete a ninety-minute safety course, and pay $1500 for an official CorpoCash scalpel.

Citadel Funds New Organ-Sharing App

The Chicago Machine