"It's Okay, I'm Vaccinated," Says Man after Puking on Friend's Lap
By Tanya Kornilovich
CHICAGO, IL - Seconds after vomiting into his friend’s Kevin Daboll's lap, Carl Winter sputtered, "It's okay, I'm vaccinated."
The unfortunate event happened following a long-overdue reunion between the two friends. Carl spent the last year working as UPS driver in Youngstown, Ohio having mask-less customers yelling at him over their missing packages of dildos, and he needed to blow off some steam.
Kevin, his childhood best friend who works in insurance sales and lives in Roscoe Village, was excited to take Carl to Sluggers, a cultural Mecca of Wrigleyville to celebrate the city's reopening.
"I was only vaccinated just recently. Not that I thought it was made of fetuses or anything, I was just waiting for the right incentive, and man did Krispy Kreme deliver," said Carl, after drinking four bottles of water and cleaning the bits of puke that landed on him. "Always feels great to be able to say, 'It's okay, I'm vaccinated.'"
Carl used the phrase when he cut someone in line at the DMV, asked a barista for her phone number, and fist-bumped a stranger because he was wearing a Cubs shirt.
Over the course of the night, they bonded over their love of ethereum cryptocurrency, Joe Rogan, and the keto diet.
"Until the end, it was a great night," Kevin told Machine reporters. "We toasted on mallort, though in hindsight we probably should have stopped after 5, and that's not including the Vegas bombs. That said, how else are you supposed to wash out that aftertaste?"
After Carl spewed mallort, Vegas Bombs, and a couple of Byron's hot dogs all over his old friend's shorts, he mentioned his vaccination as a reminder to his friend that the night was not totally ruined.
Kevin disagreed, but not because of the vomit, as much as his belief that vaccine shedding causes infertility and that Gates implanted chips in everyone who got it. Thus, through a drunken screaming match about QAnon, a twenty-year-old friendship ended in the hallowed halls of Sluggers.