We Combined our Horoscope, Crypto Update, and Weather Report Because Nobody Else Wanted to Deal with Them

By Tommy Spears

Following China’s ban on cryptocurrency, its market has undergone serious upheaval. Unfortunately, all of our good writers were busy with more interesting news. Here’s your combination cryptocurrency/horoscope/weather report.

ARIES:

Jupiter is in retrograde and bitcoin is in freefall. Now is a time to self-reflect, probably in the fetal position on the floor of the office bathroom.

TAURUS:

You are a sensitive and hopeful soul. Which is probably why you just lost $6,000 buying something called “Cam-coin,” a cryptocurrency backed by Camel Cash. Prepare for storms, both literal and emotional.

GEMINI:

Today is a day to rebuild. Good, now keep reading that first sentence out loud in between deep breaths until you work up the courage to tell your significant other how much money you really invested through an app called “CryptoKeeper.”

CANCER:

Elon musk is a cancer, both on society and astrologically. Cancers can inherently trust each other, so you might as well triple down on this AMC thing, right?

LEO:

You need to be number one; that’s probably why you had your senior picture turned into an NFT. With Mercury entering the third house at about one pm today, it’s best not to watch the value too closely. Trust me, you don’t want to see it.

VIRGO:

Mars and Saturn are aspecting one another, creating havoc in your financial life. Also, it’s warming up, but still pretty rainy. Better take a jacket.

LIBRA:

With your moon almost aligned with Venus, your communication skills are enhanced, making you a powerful public speaker. Please stop using this ability to lecture your co-workers about the history of currency. This Zoom happy hour is punishment enough.

SCORPIO:

Pluto, your ruling planet, will complete its orbit later this month, bringing a time of peace, reflection and comparison. For example--compared to thousands lost by small investors in cryptocurrency, the $2500 you owe DraftKings is nothing. Let that bring you peace.

SAGITARIUS:

The planets are returning to their positions at the moment of your birth. You, meanwhile, are returning to your parents house to sleep in your childhood room and try to explain to your parents that you thought Reddit was smarter than hedge fund managers.

CAPRICORN:

Ethereum is really heating up. Also heating up? The earth; running this many servers at once may have been a bad idea.

AQUARIUS:

Your moon is in transit, Aquarius, and it’s making you uncertain of recent choices, especially in cryptomarkets. Stellar, which you dumped money into, now looks completely untethered, while Tether, which you snubbed, is looking pretty stellar.

PISCES:

Your sun sign has made you cautious, and you never invested in or even understood cryptocurrency. Your vigilance has paid off. Now you only have to worry about COVID, war in the Middle East, police violence, civilian mass shootings, and the improbably high number of Americans who want to abandon democracy in favor of a semi-literate child in his mid-seventies. Lucky you!