Rain to Fall on Heads of Righteous, Wicked Alike, New Study Says

By Tommy Spears

CHICAGO--As thunderstorms and heavy rain continue to beset the Chicagoland Area, a new study suggests that this weather pattern will fall upon the just and the unjust almost identically.

“While factors like income, diet and level of education may affect exposure to weather, our study conclusively proves that a person’s average level of wickedness does not affect their chances of being washed in the cleansing waters of Heaven,” said Matthew Pfeiferfive, associate professor of Godliness at Roosevelt University. “Housing can be a mitigating factor, however, mainly based on whether the house was built upon sand or rock, or if the individual in question rents, or lives in sin.”

While the study has been peer-reviewed by scholarly publications including The National Journal of Climatology, The Christian Science Journal, and Highlights Magazine, its findings are not without controversy.

“I don’t understand what sort of just, loving God would allow rain to fall on His most faithful servants the way it does on unrepentant sinners. I’ve been soaked twice this week!” said Job Steadfast of Albany Park. “Luckily, my wife and children all died recently, so at least I’m not sharing towels.”

The reception hasn’t been all bad, however. Tess Tamen, an urban farmer in Avondale, has benefitted from the rain and the resulting boom in crop growth. “I was sowing seeds indiscriminately in the yard,” Ms. Tamen said. “Some would hit the sidewalk and die, some would grow but then get choked out by thorny weeds, and some would hit good soil and yield thirty or sixty fold. But now with all this rain, everything is growing, and I don’t even have to watch where I’m tossing seeds! Thanks, God!”

As of press time, God could not be reached for comment.