Adler Planetarium Reopens to Remind Lonely Chicagoans They Live in Vast, Uncaring Universe

By Tommy Spears

CHICAGO, IL - Adler Planetarium announced this week that they will be reopening to “remind Chicagoans--many who have been completely isolated through the pandemic--that the universe is too large to care about them as individuals, or even as a species.”

“So many people have felt lost and alone during the lockdown,” said Planetarium Spokesperson Henry Firms. “We want them to know that they’re also lost and alone in the cosmos.”

The planetarium also plans to premiere several new exhibits at their grand opening, including Imagination Station, where “child astronauts” work together to build fun and creative space vehicles before the clock runs out on humanity, and The Royal Crown Cola History of the Stars Room, where guests can watch recreations of other solar systems dying out, as the Milky Way some day must, narrated by TV’s David Duchovny.

“We really wanted to give patrons the experience of being alone and insignificant, so they’d understand how little they matter in the broader scheme of things. And we wanted to make that knowledge more accessible,” said Adler’s Chief of Science, Angela Kelly.

“My favorite exhibit is two basketballs, donated by the Bulls, that sit in atria at opposite ends of the Planetarium. They represent the distance from us to the nearest planet habitable to humans--6,300 lightyears. That means even if we could travel at the speed of light, which we can’t, it would still take us six millennia and change just to get there, and even then the planet might be gone. Isn’t that a fun fact to know?”

Adler Planetarium has also announced the return of their beloved Pink Floyd Laser Rock Show. Adult tickets will be $45, or $15 if you can accurately guess the day and time of the heat death of the universe.