"I've got my buddy Mike, here for emotional support and to supply me with day-old Chinese food. Then I'm going to get a good night of rest, wake up early, and just start drinking before I have a chance to question my life decisions.
Read More“I think it was only natural for Vienna Beef to transition from making hotdogs to producing a cutting-edge medical technology while keeping the same great taste you know and love. The rest of the world can have Pfizer and AstraZeneca, but Chicago has Vienna Beef.”
Read MoreClakous witnessed the whole event, starting with the man flailing and twisting his 6’2” body back and forth and culminating in a backflip attempt that propelled him headfirst into Monet’s Water Lily Pond.
Read MoreAfter the interview concluded, he proceeded to stare at the mirrored object, and with watering eyes, he whispered, “Someday.”
Read More“But I can’t take all the credit. Bill from accounting made these delicious macaroons, and Governor Pritzker was here this morning to drop off his famous double fudge marshmallow blasters. I also bought some cosmic brownies too if you’re into that.”
Read More“I can’t believe they booted my 5-year-old! This is why people move to Schaumburg.”
Read More“We here in Chicago are taking the rise in cases around Illinois very seriously, and want to do everything we can to protect our residents,” said Mayor Lightfoot. She continued, “That is why every Chicagoan who sets foot in Illinois for more than 24 hours, will have to quarantine themselves for 14 days upon their return.”
Read More4. Meet up with friends in the beginning of the day, and then never see them again!
Read More“Yeah, I’m going to go home and change my clothes, but you know I’m going to go to get right back on my Divvy bike to get back to the office,” said Peterson.
Read MoreHe also informed the Machine that while they will be providing masks and hand sanitizer, he encourages restaurant-goers to bring their own sleeping bags and enough entertainment to last the 14 days.
Read MoreNumber 6 will surely infuriate your roommate!
Read More“In this climate, it just doesn’t make sense for us to continue honoring such a violent creature. Who knows how many innocent Edmontosauruses, Anatosaureses, and Triceratops, could have lost their lives at Sue’s diminutive hands?”
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7:34 AM, January 30th, Brown Line: a commute to work, or a commute to destiny?
Read More“I just want a grilled cheese.” said Oliver Achatz, Grant’s youngest son. “I mean, I liked the Swedish prawn consomme with dehydrated oysters from Alinea’s menu, but sometimes I just want something more normal.”
Read More“Items on the menu include Curtis ConWings, cheesecake with a Jeff Graham Cracker crust, and The William Perry: a 2.6-cubic foot mini fridge filled with boneless wings, smothered in house gravy.“
Read More“Anyway, LET”S TALK TRAVEL. I woke up in Chicago today so we’ll start there. HERE ARE THE 5 BEST SPOTS IN THE CITY TO FIGHT PEOPLE. FUCK YEAH, BRO. FUCK. YEAH.”
Read MoreThe Chicago Department of Transportation encourages those who see potholes to report them by continuing to mutter the complaint under your breath in frustration.
Read MorePollution is so, so wrong, but it seems like global warming will continue to make Chicago hot and bothered for years to come, slowly and sensually stripping down the ozone layer until Cook County just cannot take it anymore.
Read MoreWhen reached for comment, Josh said he’d be available between 11AM and 4PM on Thursday, weather permitting.
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