Street-Side Dining Less Popular after City Begins Booting Table Campers

By Justin Parlette

CHICAGO, IL — With fewer cars on the streets during the pandemic, the city of Chicago has taken to booting diners at street-side restaurants to make up lost revenue.

“I was enjoying some tapas with my estranged wife when I felt this awful pain in my calf muscle,” area diner Matt Blevins said. “I looked down, and there was a [redacted] boot on my leg.”

Blevins isn’t alone. Like dozens of Chicagoans at popular outdoor dining locations throughout the city, he had been booted by the city’s parking enforcement department.

Reshma Soni, City Comptroller, had this to say when asked for a statement. “Look, we are facing a serious revenue shortfall. If you have a better option then attaching metallic lockboxes to the legs of people sitting at a street-side diner for more than 30 minutes at a time, I would love to hear it. I‘m serious, please, I hear their screams at night when I close my eyes.”

Stacey Fleckums of North Center’s day out with her family was ruined. “I’m not even sure what we did. My kids and I had been at the Daily Grill for maybe an hour and a half, just enjoying being out of the house when my daughter screamed. I can’t believe they booted my 5-year-old! This is why people move to Schaumburg.”

Booting diners has become a lucrative enforcement option for the city, as Chicagoans flock to streets closed off for dining to sip mimosas and socialize.

“To keep the city solvent, we have to get creative. We can’t ignore any revenue stream,” a representative from Mayor Lori Lightfoot’s office said. “We’re exploring options on fining parties of two who demand a four-top.”

The city is encouraging civilians who boot to just call and pay the fine, as opposed to gnawing their own legs off. Or better yet, stay home.