Pharma Shock! Vienna Beef Unveils New Vaccine that’s Only 5% Effective but 95% Delicious

By Hirsch Ptyc

CHICAGO, IL - Move over Moderna, a new competitor is throwing its hat into the COVID vaccine sweepstakes. Vienna Beef announced today that they have developed a meat-based COVID vaccine that is 5% effective, but 95% better tasting than any other vaccine in development.

“After seeing all the suffering and pain over the past six months, I knew we had to do something,” said Vienna Beef CEO Jim Bodman. He continued, “I think it was only natural for Vienna Beef to transition from making hotdogs to producing a cutting-edge medical technology while keeping the same great taste you know and love. The rest of the world can have Pfizer and AstraZeneca, but Chicago has Vienna Beef.”

The new vaccine, which is the first-ever attempt to create a pharmaceutical product based entirely on encased meat, is expected to roll-out as soon as Vienna Beef’s meat scientists get clearance from the FDA. Although there is optimism that that vaccine could enter distribution by the end of the year, getting FDA approval for the product has proven to be a greater hurdle than anyone anticipated.

“The first question the FDA asks is, ‘what ingredients are in your product?’ It’s pretty basic,” said FDA Commissioner Stephen Hahn. “Vienna Beef just sent us back a memo that said, ‘if you knew what was in our products, you probably wouldn't ingest them.’ Obviously, that’s slightly concerning.”

Vienna Beef declined to comment on the government’s refusal to approve their vaccine, but later issued a statement denouncing the FDA’s, "continued overestimation of how much Americans care about what they put into their bodies."