22 Year Old Wrigleyville Resident Vows to Throw up Wearing Santa Costume One Way or Another

By Ari Loundy

CHICAGO, IL - Brayden Tinzel isn't a hero, nor does he request praise. He's just a man guided by a goal that he's had ever since moving to Chicago from Winnetka, Illinois: participating in TBOX and puking his guts out wearing a Santa Costume. While TBOX, the annual December bar crawl where thousands of Santaly-clad participants drink, fight, freeze and puke all around Wrigleyville, has been cancelled this year due to COVID-19, Brayden has never been more determined.

Tinzel, 22, who studied marketing at Illinois State University, is currently unemployed by choice to focus on his jolly undertaking. He thanked his parents and the Illinois Department of Employment for supporting his dream. "I've been training for this moment all year," Tinzel told the Machine. "I bought my Santa costume for the event in June, and a few extra to practice vomiting on." We at the Machine are not quite sure what it means, but he claims his 'splatter' has improved thanks to the months of preparation.

When asked why he is so committed to this accomplishment, he stated, "I've thrown up while wearing lots of things: a suit, pajamas, a Hawaiian shirt, a used trash bag, a fresh trash bag, a dress, the back half of a horse, a large inflatable T-Rex, a fake firefighter costume (and a real police uniform), breakaway pants, a bear costume, an oversized Mickey Mouse head, an inflatable bumper ball, and even once dressed as an elf...but upchucking as the big man himself has always slipped through my grasp. During my last official attempt I just ended up dry-heaving in a Wendy's parking lot."

With the day of his attempt coming up, we asked for his game-day strategy. "I've got my buddy Mike, here for emotional support and to supply me with day-old Chinese food. Then I'm going to get a good night of rest, wake up early, and just start drinking before I have a chance to question my life decisions. Eye on the prize! Beer before liquor, obviously."

Local health advisors have cautioned that this is a very bad idea, with one stating, "The Chicago hospitals are at near full capacity, and will not be able to accept any young men dressed as Santa Claus."

However, Tinzel replied, "Fine by me, with COVID as it is, there's no way I'm setting foot in the hospital."