“Real education doesn’t come from sitting behind a computer screen. It comes from me, sprinting from classroom to classroom, rapidly teaching every subject,” said Lightfoot while changing into her athletic shoes to coach 2nd grade basketball.”
Read More“This guy anarchydan420 said the stock can only keep going up--there’s no limit to how much the city can make off this!”
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“We understand that people are anxious to receive their vaccine, and many lives are at stake. We promise the campaign will continue once we superglue the needle back together.”
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“I told them to get the hell outta here, and put some damn masks on, there's a pandemic happening."
Read MoreLucky for you, the Machine has the exclusive scoop into the rest of the vaccine prioritization list so you no longer have to wonder if Naperville pet golden retrievers will be getting the vaccine before you do.
Spoiler alert: they probably will.
Read More“Speaker Madigan's office declined to comment on this article. However, public records show that ComEd has already made a $500,000 contribution to a newly registered PAC called "Democratic Organization of the Moon/13th Ward."
Read MoreOverall, we would recommend the kit if you literally have money to burn. Like, if you’re already burning your money, this would potentially be a better use of it. From all of us at the Machine, have a great new year!
Read MoreAs soon as the guidelines were put in place, hospitals made radical changes to comply, with some even offering offering curbside pickup for dialysis machines and morphine, open-air operating rooms, and drive-thru MRIs.
Read More“What these officers did was reckless and irresponsible. I vow to make sure they are off the streets as long as the public can remember who they are, or at least until attention shifts to a different topic, like another botched raid.”
Read More"I've got my buddy Mike, here for emotional support and to supply me with day-old Chinese food. Then I'm going to get a good night of rest, wake up early, and just start drinking before I have a chance to question my life decisions.
Read More“I think it was only natural for Vienna Beef to transition from making hotdogs to producing a cutting-edge medical technology while keeping the same great taste you know and love. The rest of the world can have Pfizer and AstraZeneca, but Chicago has Vienna Beef.”
Read More“Resistbot here! Literally Carolyn, I’m right outside of your house. Look, I really don’t want to be alone right now. Could you just open the door? Text Y/N.”
Clakous witnessed the whole event, starting with the man flailing and twisting his 6’2” body back and forth and culminating in a backflip attempt that propelled him headfirst into Monet’s Water Lily Pond.
Read More“A potential roster was leaked to The Machine with a mixed up lineup including Contreras pitching, Darvish playing outfield, and a member of the Chicago Dogs acting as a pinch hitter while Bote watches.”
Read MoreAfter the interview concluded, he proceeded to stare at the mirrored object, and with watering eyes, he whispered, “Someday.”
Read More“But I can’t take all the credit. Bill from accounting made these delicious macaroons, and Governor Pritzker was here this morning to drop off his famous double fudge marshmallow blasters. I also bought some cosmic brownies too if you’re into that.”
Read More“I can’t believe they booted my 5-year-old! This is why people move to Schaumburg.”
Read More“We here in Chicago are taking the rise in cases around Illinois very seriously, and want to do everything we can to protect our residents,” said Mayor Lightfoot. She continued, “That is why every Chicagoan who sets foot in Illinois for more than 24 hours, will have to quarantine themselves for 14 days upon their return.”
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