Mayor Lightfoot Teaching 355,000 CPS Students In-Person

By Nick Marino

CHICAGO, IL - In an attempt to placate both the CPS and CTU in their second strike in as many years, Mayor Lightfoot has begun single-handedly teaching all 355,000 CPS students in-person.

“Real education doesn’t come from sitting behind a computer screen. It comes from me, sprinting from classroom to classroom, rapidly teaching every subject,” said Lightfoot while changing into her athletic shoes to coach 2nd grade basketball. “I might not know everything about every subject. But what I do know, is that this solution is better than any alternative.”

The move has not been without skepticism, especially after sources indicated that overall student performance has plummeted since it was enacted. Parents are worried it may be due to a change in the teaching staff, however, the district said it was caused by students becoming readjusted to learning in-person. Furthermore, the city has ensured parents that every precaution is being taken to secure the safety of the children and sole educator.

Even the students themselves seem to have mixed opinions about the change. Many who approved of the decision didn’t appear to take issue with the lack of teachers. However, those unhappy with the situation complained about the overcrowded nurse’s office, as well as school lunches.

“I’m at least thankful they opened up indoor dining again,” said high school sophomore Jasmine Taylor. “Having to eat lunch on the blacktop was a real bummer. Also, the food has gotten worse. Ms. Lightfoot is an ok French teacher, but she’s an awful lunch lady. I haven’t been able to taste anything since coming back.”