“You just don’t get that warm sound on digital that you do with vinyl or cassette tapes,” said the former alderperson of the 25th ward. “For this evidence I really wanted to go old school--no studio, just me, a 1988 Sony TC-200, and a lot of words speaker Madigan can’t take back.”
Read More“Our system is quite simple. Our doorman has a chart that they can hold up to the patrons’ faces to determine where they land on the hotness scale. We are committed to our high standards for people that want to take 76 pictures in front of our ‘Rosé All Day’ sign,” said Smith, pouring half a bottle of vodka into a fish bowl.
Read More"I was only vaccinated just recently. Not that I thought it was made of fetuses or anything, I was just waiting for the right incentive, and man did Krispy Kreme deliver," said Carl, after drinking four bottles of water.
Read MoreLEO:
You need to be number one; that’s probably why you had your senior picture turned into an NFT. With Mercury entering the third house at about one pm today, it’s best not to watch the value too closely. Trust me, you don’t want to see it.
Read More“Due to the COVID-19 plague, many fiefdoms were forced to furlough their villeins, or even execute them en masse. However, some are now struggling to find enough workers bound to the land to reopen the feudal economy.”
Read More“The hats only work if you wear them properly. A lot of people don’t get this. Somehow, they think a tinfoil visor will protect them. No! It needs to cover your whole head. That’s the only way they’ll keep Alexandria (Ocasio Cortez) from manipulating your thoughts.”
Read More“After repeatedly saying ‘Da Bears’ to his 12 year-old daughter who hadn’t seen any SNL pre-2014, Ted was sure he had struck gold. The anticipation of wowing his family was too much to bare and he might have overshot his grand finale, leaning heavily on this ultimate ‘windy city’ zing.”
Read More“It was like someone woke up my inner child and gave them lead solo in a racist opera.”
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“We've been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle's extended warranty.”
Read More“As a lifelong Bears fan, the father of two said that this past draft was the first time since 1985 that he has felt complete inner fulfillment.”
Read More“Riot police are on standby in case Bears trade 4 picks to land Mac Jones.”
Read More‘We’ve also accepted a few color sponsorships, so we can use some of this money on, um, other stuff. Definitely not police,” the Mayor’s office said. Examples of these sponsored lines include “Ford’s Velocity Blue Line” and “Delicious Florida Orange Line”.
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