Biden Infrastructure Plan to Rebrand 'L' Lines With New, Hipper Colors

Photo Credit: Eli Solomon

By Ari Loundy

CHICAGO, IL - With Joe Biden’s proposed infrastructure plan sending funds to Chicago, the city has announced that its first change will be to upgrade the “L” with new, hipper colors.

“What’s the point of having better public transit if no one wants to use it?” said Mayor Lightfoot’s Millennial Envoy, Dallon Strauss. “No one wants to ride the ‘Brown line,’ brown is so drab! What People want is a "Burnt Sienna" line.

According to a proposal released by the mayor’s office, no color would be unchanged. “Red” becomes “Scarlet Ruby”, “Purple” changes to “Radiant Heliotrope”, and “Green” to “Chicago River”.

‘We’ve also accepted a few color sponsorships, so we can use some of this money on, um, other stuff. Definitely not police,” the Mayor’s office said. Examples of these sponsored lines include “Ford®’s Velocity Blue Line” and “Delicious Florida Orange Line”.

This change has not been popular among everyone. “Who cares what color they are, as long as they run on time!?” shouted one angry protester outside city hall. “I’d ride the “Puke Green” Line, if it could help me not be late to work.”

Angry residents have pointed out inconvenient bus services and diminishing safety on train platforms. City Hall has responded that this was the best of several considered options, including extra-premium buses with heated seats and a starry headliner, and a giant cross-town slingshot to be installed in Lincoln Park.

Despite the controversy, the city plans to go ahead with these changes. “We think in a few years from now, people will think this was an upgrade as they’re riding the “La Vie En Rose” line to their office in the Loop,” said Dallon. While the color change is still dependent on the approval of Biden’s infrastructure plan, preparations are already being made, and the city is already looking for extra long nameplates to mount on the side of trains.