“We just wanted to remind all of Chicago’s dogs that they’re good boys and good girls. “
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The passenger aircraft passed so close to other planes during the show that pilots were able to discuss a recent episode of The Bachelorette over the intercom with one of the Blue Angels.
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“It’s true! This Friday through Sunday, the Blue Angels will be on display doing loopty-loops in order to show Iran it means business!”
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“ It looks like somebody vomited malort all over an array of solar panels. It actively makes me want to be less kind to the earth.”
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“We studied lab rat mazes, ant colonies, and ancient Egyptian tombs, but the Mart just had that special something.”
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Amazon spokesman Joof Boozus stated, " We are very excited about these new innovations. The future of e-commerce truly is in the past."
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It is our mission, as Chicagoans, to let these poor, inebriated young ones into our homes, to provide them with shelter, munchies, and ibuprofen. While they may differ in race, age, or blood alcohol content, they are still human beings, and worthy of our care.
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"We are urging drivers to use extreme caution when using Lower Wacker Drive, unless they are confident they are on good terms with their God.”
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"Overnight, Chance’s rent inflated by an inconceivable percentage since it was previously $0.00/mo, making this Chicago’s first example of super-gentrification.”
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“For the many many years of gender inequality, men will now be lactating ghost pepper hot sauce, rather than the originally planned ranch dressing, for at least 1 week every month, and just in time for BBQ season.”
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"Every day of my life, people would ask me, 'Bob, what the hell is an alligator person like yourself doing in Chicago? Shouldn't you be down in Florida with your brother, Crocodile Bob, where all of the alligators and crocodiles are?"
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"I don't know what the hell this guy was doing up here in Chicago. Of course they were all over him! The only nature these people see on a daily basis are pigeons humping in Grant Park."
Read MoreThe Chicago culinary marvel, Alinea, became known for something other than inventive menus and long wait lists last week after it came to light that they've been time-traveling to the future, and stealing McDonald's menus from the year 2073.
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“It’s going to be called something stupid like ‘Vape Time’ or ‘Smoke City,’ and it’s going to have a glass case filled with bongs they can’t legally tell you are for smoking weed.”
"He can't scare me anymore, and maybe now Mommy and Daddy will listen to me about the serpent demon in grandma’s potty.”
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“The Taste of Chicago has an almost ‘holy trinity’: weed, greed, and plenty of feed.”
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"We used to jam strawberry popsicles under our vests just to cool off. If you got really lucky it would drip all the way down your legs before it got warm.”
Read More“All I want to do is frolic in the autumn mist, without being bothered by people thinking i can bring them Cheetos and hookah coals at 3 in the morning."
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“Wow, this looks and tastes exactly like carrot!”
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“I used to tease my friends, ‘Ha, you weak little timber boys! I’m solid as a rock.’ But I never knew this would happen. I loved them.”
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