“It is an honor to be able to represent my city as a part of All Star weekend. Though, if I‘m lucky enough to win the raffle, I think I‘ll probably just resell them online,” said Coby White, just as Trae Young hit a 40 foot jumper in the UC.
Read More“This is a team with a fanbase who knows the bare minimum that they want out of a QB, and I promise to help Trubisky barely meet those expectations.”
Read More“Now my coworkers are pissed at me, my manager takes me aside literally once a week, and 4 million strangers are threatening to kill me on Twitter.”
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“What we have here is a lightly used coach full of potential, and this Black Friday he will be on sale at participating Dick’s Sporting Goods for just $19.99,” said Reinsdorf in a TV ad aired on Comcast Sports Net.
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When reached for comment, Head Coach Matt Nagy stated, “Here in Chicago, the fans want, and deserve championship football. In order to make this happen, I researched all of the other recent champions, and found that the Houston Astros once won after making this same purchase."
Read More“A lot of people think I was just being cheap the last few years, but the truth is that I didn't have access to any of my bank accounts without this checkbook. The White Sox payroll has been paid entirely by hot dog sales and whatever money Kenny Williams found underneath his couch."
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“We worked on a play call where I run a wheel route, then sit down on the turf and think for several minutes on the futility of making an effort in an uncaring world. That's the kind of high-quality, existentially terrifying stuff Coach Nagy has dreamed up for this week," said running back Tarik Cohen
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“I’ll never cross the picket lines, but I do still have bills to pay,” said 53 year old Lisa Banks. “Besides, Trubuisky’s 5.2 passing yards per attempt shouldn’t be too hard to match, and after 31 years of teaching students to read, I’m sure I could handle an NFL playbook better than he can.”
Read More"I loved playing under Joe, but after watching the team fail to get it done this year, I knew the team needed a change," said Ross. "So I thought this off-season was the right time to get on the phone with Theo and tell him that I'm hired."
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“When the miner offers the silver pick, you’ll give away the Midway for a Tarheel without a trick.”
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When asked for comment, Cubs fans burned a Maddon jersey in effigy, because tradition is important.
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“I can’t lie, we’ve had a rough week. Sales are down, and the bartenders are complaining about being overstaffed. But, when a new restaurant like Madden’s Post conveniently located on the corner of Clark and Waveland opens, some excess labor can be expected.”
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“This was the largest mass-adoration of a Chicago kicker since every Bears fan gave Robbie Gould a collective foot rub before the 2006 Super Bowl.”
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“When reached for comment, Bears GM Ryan Pace denied that the Bears had hired Grossman as a coach over the off-season, but admitted the QB has been living in the ventilation ducts of Solider Field since 2009.”
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“It’s such an honor coaching for a team with such a storied history. Back in 1920, George Halas founded this team, and 65 years later they fielded the greatest collection of football players to ever take the field together.”
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"We really don't know what he's doing here, or even what position he is supposed to be playing," said Mack. "It's just fun to see him strutting around as one of the guys. We're definitely going to miss him while he recovers."
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We should probably teach Todd how caps lock works.
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“I don’t understand why we’re starting construction without plans to include a warning track,” said Cubs centerfielder Albert Almora Jr. “When I’m tracking a flyball across the American West and through the New Mexico desert, I don’t want to run into the wall at full speed.”
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After the Bulls selected Coby White with the 7th pick the NBA draft, a local fan preemptively burned his jersey in preparation for eventual disappointment.
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“I didn’t pull my son out early from school at New Trier and drive the hour from Winnetka to Wrigley just to see the best offense in the league get two runs off Zack Wheeler.”
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