“We've been trying to reach you concerning your vehicle's extended warranty.”
Read More‘We’ve also accepted a few color sponsorships, so we can use some of this money on, um, other stuff. Definitely not police,” the Mayor’s office said. Examples of these sponsored lines include “Ford’s Velocity Blue Line” and “Delicious Florida Orange Line”.
Read MoreEditors’ note: Those who are angry at us for calling it the “Willis tower” can take solace in that we won’t be calling it that name much longer.
“I start by getting dressed up, contouring my face, drinking three shots of cupcake flavored vodka and shotgunning a can of Underwood Chardonnay."
Read More“Our own FAIR & BALANCED polling of family and friends shows almost 70% of votes were cast for THE CHICAGO MACHINE! Additionally, we mailed RELIABLE paper ballots into The Chicago Reader. They said polling was online only, they didn’t know how we got their address, and told us to stop harassing them. FRAUD!”
Read More“IDPH recommends that St Paddy’s Day revellers proceed through stages of inebriation - sober, buzzed, drunk, brownout, and blackout drunk - as efficiently as possible.”
Read MoreChicago has recently updated its emergency travel order to include 31 U.S. states, now requiring 10-day quarantine or negative COVID-19 test before arrival. The following states are now travel-restricted:
Read More“‘The list was a lot less geographically diverse than it has been in past years,’ mused long-time Preservation Chicago Publisher, Jill Ragland. ‘Usually we have a few neighborhoods represented on the list. At least two. Oh well.”’
Read More“Rep. Evans says he also has plans to look into the influence of sock hops on juvenile delinquency, and has chaired a commission to determine the extent to which pinball machines have led to an increase in gambling among youths.”
Read MoreIt turns out that Cytosine has a very soothing mouthfeel, and the flavor of Uracil complements very well with salmon roe and cayenne pepper.”
Read MoreMidway through the first quarter/third inning, Sophomore Janae Hamilton made her fellow Cumberland Pirates proud as she scored a goal with a triple backflip into a somersault on the floor exercise.
Read More“The new feature, UberJack, will give riders the opportunity to leave ratings and helpful comments about carjackers, and to look up the ratings previous riders left of their violent encounters. Car thieves who earn consistently bad ratings may receive an email from Uber informing them of their poor performance.”
Read More“Real education doesn’t come from sitting behind a computer screen. It comes from me, sprinting from classroom to classroom, rapidly teaching every subject,” said Lightfoot while changing into her athletic shoes to coach 2nd grade basketball.”
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“We understand that people are anxious to receive their vaccine, and many lives are at stake. We promise the campaign will continue once we superglue the needle back together.”
Read More“I told them to get the hell outta here, and put some damn masks on, there's a pandemic happening."
Read MoreLucky for you, the Machine has the exclusive scoop into the rest of the vaccine prioritization list so you no longer have to wonder if Naperville pet golden retrievers will be getting the vaccine before you do.
Spoiler alert: they probably will.
Read MoreAs soon as the guidelines were put in place, hospitals made radical changes to comply, with some even offering offering curbside pickup for dialysis machines and morphine, open-air operating rooms, and drive-thru MRIs.
Read More“What these officers did was reckless and irresponsible. I vow to make sure they are off the streets as long as the public can remember who they are, or at least until attention shifts to a different topic, like another botched raid.”
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