IDPH Recommends Getting Blackout Drunk Early to Minimize Time Spent Breathing on People

Photo Credit: Eli Solomon

By The Naked Doctor

CHICAGO, IL - To prevent further covid outbreaks among those who wilfully ignore any social-distancing measures on St Patrick’s Day, The Illinois Department of Public Health recommends getting blackout drunk as early as possible in the day to curb person-to-person transmission of COVID-19.

“Look, we are not stupid. We are fully aware Chicagoans have traditionally held a middle finger to any resemblance of authority on St Paddy’s day, including our life-saving recommendations amidst a pandemic. We might as well lean into it, and insist that if people are compelled to drink, they be as irresponsible as possible,” stated Dr Wanda Roundaire, director of IDPH.

IDPH recommends that St Paddy’s Day revellers proceed through stages of inebriation - sober, buzzed, drunk, brownout, and blackout drunk - as efficiently as possible.

“Apologise to your liver beforehand, especially when you know you’re about to wreck it. Kinda’ the same way a proctologist with kielbasa-sized fingers might apologise to a patient prior to performing a digital rectal exam,” said Dr Roundaire.

“This is not the the time to pussyfoot with Michelob Light, Bud Seltzer, Corona, or other weak-ass commercial piss-water,” stated Robert McFerrin, owner of Chicago brewery Whiner Beer Company. ”People need to head straight to the stronger ales, like the local craft beers brewed especially to get you from “fight drunk” to “fall drunk” as quickly as possible. Oh, and Canadian beer works too.”

As a final precaution, the CDC recommends drinkers to get a microchip implant from their local veterinarian to ensure those who get blackout drunk can be easily located.