IHSA Caves to Parent Pressure, Plays All Sports Simultaneously

Photo Credit: Eli Solomon

By John Mobley

CHICAGO, IL - In efforts to cater to the desires of the parents of high school athletes, the IHSA put every sport, team, and athlete all on one field.

“We really wanted to give people a sense of normalcy, and at the same time, play our sports in a way that will let the populace know what sports may look like if we don’t get our collective shit together,” said an IHSA official to the Machine.

It was slow going at first, as no one had any game plan for this event, including the IHSA. Then, Joliet Catholic senior linebacker Jake Jones sacked Dekalb High School left handed-reliever Aaron Levinson. Midway through the first quarter/third inning, Sophomore Janae Hamilton made her fellow Cumberland Pirates proud as she scored a goal with a triple backflip into a somersault on the floor exercise. Golf sensation Francisco Perez was setting up for an eagle when he was forced out of the ring by 154lb upstart Mark Upton.

"I'm just glad that everyone was able to enjoy their sports as safely as possible," said the IHSA official, as Perez was stretchered out of the boxing ring with his golf club still in hand.

Aquatic sports athletes were literally out of their element.