“In fact, we also apologize for our delay in announcing these perpetual delays. We admittedly knew months ago, but we were honestly kind of hoping you wouldn’t notice, and/or we could just hire some more workers in the meantime.”
Read More“I don’t know what the hell i was thinking,” the city of over 3 million residents said Monday morning, with a head still throbbing from the party days earlier. “Our COVID curve is just a vertical line now.”
Read MoreSmith is on the side of, “if you scrape the mold off the stuffing cubes, they should still be fine.”
Read More“How embarrassing is this? Here I am, a brand new variant, thinking I was prepared for anything: masks, boosters, Vitamin D. But nope. Turns out I get taken down by the freakin’ CTA.” At press time, Omicron was reported to have contacted its fellow variant, Delta, for a ride, only to learn that the Delta’s car had recently been booted.
Read MoreEDITOR'S UPDATE: Two hours after initial publication, Spears' car was found in Lake Michigan containing a wooden mannequin wearing his coat. If you have any information on the whereabouts of Thomas Spears, please contact the authorities.
Read MoreCardinals Head Coach Kliff Kingsbury was also disappointed in his team’s performance, stating, “I know we won, but we only beat them by 11. I’m not gonna crown our asses.”
Read More“No more can you consume six different kinds of hard cheeses in front of the fridge over the course of 72 minutes for dinner.”
Read More“Secretary Hoenig also added that while littering on the Eisenhower Expressway would no longer be punished, a fine will be instituted for men not wearing hats.”
Read More“When the internet is slow, I hate Comcast. When the internet is fast, I still hate Comcast. But when the internet doesn’t exist… turns out, I love Comcast,” says Jeff Sellers, a consultant who works in River North.
Read More“Any day now, Q will reveal everything,” says Smith. “Including why none of my nieces and nephews speak to me anymore.”
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