"2% Sports Betting Tax is Gonna Make Me Go Broke!" Says Chicago Man Already $50K in Debt to Bookie

By Trommy Spheres

CHICAGO, IL - Hoping to grant a voice to the unheard anger of Chicago's citizenry over the recently announced sports betting tax, Tommy Spears, who happens to be a writer for the Machine, insisted on sitting down for an interview.

"I am shocked and appalled, and also disgusted and a little dehydrated," Spears said, speaking to a crowd of his colleagues whom he video-called repeatedly. "A 2% city tax on sports betting spells the end of middle class America. Did you know that we already pay 2% to Cook County and 15% to Illinois? Because I did not know that. I learned it researching this article. Also, what's the difference between Cook County and Chicago? Like what part of Cook County is not Chicago? I'm seriously asking, I'm not from here."

After explaining Schaumburg to Mr. Spears, a number of his less talented peers insinuated that his anger actually stemmed from the outstanding $50,000 debt the handsome author owes to the Portuguese Mafia.

"I assure you, my concern is entirely...um...concerned with the many ways in which the people will suffer under this tax, not with whether or not I'm going to receive a Coimbra necktie," Spears continued. "And Mayor Lightfoot really intends this tax to support city infrastructure, why is none of the money earmarked for bridges that stay down?"

While some staff members feel that views this controversial and dangerous should not reach print, they forgot that Mr. Spears has publishing privileges due to a website error. Idiots.

EDITOR'S UPDATE: Two hours after initial publication, Spears' car was found in Lake Michigan containing a wooden mannequin wearing his coat. If you have any information on the whereabouts of Thomas Spears, please contact the authorities.