Newly Arrived Omicron Variant Still Getting Acquainted with CTA System

Photo by Aaron McDavis

By Aaron McDavis

CHICAGO, IL - Cursing at its smartphone while checking bus arrival times on the Ventra app, the newly arrived COVID-19 variant titled Omicron frustratingly admitted it was still trying to get acquainted with the CTA system. Originating from Europe, The Omicron had made its way to South Africa before being discovered by health officials. Now gaining global recognition, the young variant has finally arrived in the Windy City. “I’ve been in town for a couple of weeks; just got settled in and I’m ready to get things started for the winter,” Omicron said. “But no one told me transit was going to be such a pain in the ass.”

Lately, CTA riders are finding it more and more difficult using public transit to navigate through the city. Ongoing delays on the “L”, awkward bus reroutes, and unreliable tracking times have proven taxing, especially for newcomers. The newest member of the Coronavirus family is no exception having been stuck at the Jackson Station for over forty minutes.

“I’d just finished with a speed dating event back in Bucktown. Now, I’m heading up to Wrigleyville for a bar crawl. Simple gig: bunch of drunk, reckless frat boys staggering from block to block, getting trashed and mouth breathing on random strangers. All I gotta do is show up, and spread. The Howard train should be here in five minutes. Five minutes go by, then it says twenty. I try looking on my phone; it reads ‘no information.’ Now, the big screen’s just been flashing those two little annoying dashes where the time should be. Seriously, how does anyone get anywhere in this city? By the time I make it, everyone will have already dropped dead from alcohol poisoning. And I’m not bribing another hospital to change a death certificate, let alone fifty.”

This had not been the first bad CTA experience for The Omicron. Days before, it missed a gig at an ugly sweater party at a karaoke bar in Ukrainian Village after its bus route was temporarily suspended due to limited shift coverage. “I thought about grabbing an Uber. Then I saw those surge prices and decided to bail and instead swing by that Packers bar up the street for a bit. That always seems to be a sure bet.”

Though determined to not let the setback discourage it, the variant nevertheless expressed shame in its apparent failure in handling the ongoing challenges of public transit. “How embarrassing is this? Here I am, a brand new variant, thinking I was prepared for anything: masks, boosters, Vitamin D. But nope. Turns out I get taken down by the freakin’ CTA.” At press time, Omicron was reported to have contacted its fellow variant, Delta, for a ride, only to learn that the Delta’s car had recently been booted.