Hungover City Considers Locking Down for a While After Reckless NYE Party

By Mitchell Trachtenberg

Photo Credit: (AP Photo/Charles Rex Arbogast) (Charles Rex Arbogast/AP)

CHICAGO, IL - After a long night of booze, large crowds, and fireworks, the city of Chicago has decided it might be a good idea to lay low for a while and quarantine.

“I don’t know what the hell I was thinking,” the city of nearly 3 million residents said Monday morning, with a head still throbbing from the party days earlier. “Our COVID curve is just a vertical line now.”

“What are you gonna do, not celebrate New Year’s Eve?” said CEO of Navy Pier, Marilynn Gardner. “Besides, [42nd Ward] Alderman Brendan Reilly drove all the way out to Indiana to get the ‘good’ fireworks, and we don’t want those to go to waste.”

Meanwhile, the city still felt a bit guilty for going out. “That was so stupid. I mean, I have high risk family. My sister city Durban, South Africa really struggled with her Omicron outbreak, I definitely can’t visit her anytime soon.”

In the end, residents should not expect to be saying hi to Chicago anytime soon unless they show proof of vaccination, or are willing to slide a Tylenol under the front door of City Hall.