“I’ve been buying up spleens,” said Lakeview resident Carolyn Bauers. “Doctors still don’t know what they do, but if they ever figure it out, I’ll have the market cornered.”
Read More“His first priority will be to investigate the mysterious disappearances of Anthony Rizzo, Kris Bryant, and Javier Baez.”
Read More“We found that the greater density of social networks and the increased opportunities for interaction helped to lessen instances of depression in city dwellers,” continued the young man, who presumably has more friends than he can count on one hand.
Read More“He really brought his A-Game. You could see his radar updates getting more confident, and his hand motions were firm but reassuring. We all thought this was his shot at the big leagues. He was like Tonya Harding at the 1991 US Championships.”
Read More
“Your cherished remembrances, days in the sunshine, and the North Side’s warm sense of community, all are valuable assets in today’s league.”
Read More“I will literally take my sorry grassy ass and plop my entire 319 acres of soil, flowers, fountains, worms, trees, pigeon and seagull poop, and go bunk out at the penthouse at the St. Regis. They offered me a pretty good deal, and honestly, they would love to offer their residents who are paying over $6000 a month in rent exclusive access to myself.”
Read More“So many people have felt lost and alone during the lockdown,” said Planetarium Spokesperson Henry Firms. “We want them to know that they’re also lost and alone in the cosmos.”
Read More“I was going to color with a blue crayon, but Sarah had the blue so I coloreded it with gween instead,” said Landon Wulfsohn, who will have three of his pieces displayed in the new immersive exhibit, “I never know what I’m going to color. I just scwibble.”
Read More“The White Sox organization made up 'Tim Anderson' in 2015," said Hahn. "It was a very dark time for the fanbase and we weren't playing great baseball. We just wanted to give fans something to cheer for. We never expected it to go this far."
Read More“I may even start to use multiple therapists. I can talk to one about my kinship with stray cats, and maybe I can talk to another about how to assert myself more in convenience stores.”
Read More“Come on, team. Just like the Cubs and White Sox, we need to step it into gear. I want a vaccine in every arm of every Illinoisan. Just get a fudging vaccine already.”
Read MoreSo, to honor this historic date, we’re knocking our prices off three-fifths in memory of the noble contributions slaves made for this country in helping to keep supplies high and expenses low.”
Read More