“Build a robot that will take orders, serve salads, and pour Pepsi instead of Coke into glasses. While your robot is serving customers you can go into the break room and scream into a mop.”
Read More“Besides, you can't expect to enjoy the cosmopolitan delights of our eponymous five-flavored rainbow cone without putting up with the occasional mob hit.“
Read More"I know some CEO's would promote their replacement from within the company, but it just seemed simpler to stage a giveaway that brought five random Chicagoans to my corporate headquarters and then to slowly eliminate them, possibly fatally, until the final survivor inherits the company."
Read More“Sources say he was heard to remark, ‘Hoo boy’ and ‘really clears out your sinuses’.”
Read More“It’s hard to get an exact date, but based on the size of their mustaches and the comments they’ve made to our female staffers, we can deduce that these men were frozen in the late 1960’s.”
Read More“In a stunning example of the justice system actually working, the Chicago Irish Mob has reportedly filed for Chapter 13 bankruptcy due to the loss in bribe money from local politicians.”
Read More“We need to let people know that when it comes to justice, no one is off the hook. So, we’re sending the message loud and clear: if you’re a cop and you’re going to shoot a young black kid in the back sixteen times while he’s walking away, get ready to serve half of a seven-year sentence and then write a report over the weekend on the guy who invented peanut butter.”
Read More“The mayor correctly pointed out the correlation between remote learning policies and an increase in violent car thefts,” said Hilbert in a press release. “So we took stock of our current course offerings and made the difficult decision to no longer offer instruction on carjacking.”
Read More3. It covers the dog shit we also didn’t pick up.
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