“How can you understand the culture if you don't experience it?" Said Governor Pritzker, as he red stamped the document with enough force to rattle his office bong collection.
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"I really can't confirm or deny my feelings over this new development. What matters are facts. And the fact is that these clowns are about to owe me a milkshake,"
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“Sometimes I wonder what I’m doing wrong. Could they be signs from God? Constant reminders of my sinful ways? Have I honestly cut off 2,438 people in traffic since moving here?”
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“I don’t understand why we’re starting construction without plans to include a warning track,” said Cubs centerfielder Albert Almora Jr. “When I’m tracking a flyball across the American West and through the New Mexico desert, I don’t want to run into the wall at full speed.”
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“Ice blocks carved in Trump's likeness have melted into Mitch McConnell's likeness.”
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“Everyone was about to walk away from the table, thinking we wouldn’t be able to make a deal. But then someone said, ‘hey you know Tim Zalewski from Berwyn? Fuck that guy,”
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