CTA Adds Submarine Service in Anticipation of Future Floods

By Tommy Spears

CHICAGO, IL - In response to recent high waves, and in anticipation of future flooding, the Chicago Transit Authority has announced several new submarine routes running through submerged neighborhoods and train lines, and that riders should expect major delays while they develop the infrastructure, and test the vessels.

“Our new line of fully submersible buses can travel on land, on train tracks, and underwater, and are crewed by the bravest sailors this side of Pitcairn Island,” said Captain Grace Cook of the USS 74 Fullerton Towards Halsted. “There’s no danger from man or sea can put fear in the hearts of our crew. However, we will be running on a thirty to forty-five-minute delay until further notice.”

CTA is currently testing the vessels in subway systems. While the choice to commission a fleet of battle-class amphibious buses was controversial when first pitched, passenger response to their trial has been mostly positive.

“When it’s full-go it’ll be a Godsend,” said Garfield Park resident Jack Werner. “I’m not sure why they need depth charges or torpedoes, but I also wasn’t sure why normal buses have bike racks on the front. My only issue is the delays right now. They’re running like 90 minutes behind! And then when they did show up, there were three of them together. I asked the driver--excuse me, skipper--why they didn’t space them out, but he just told me the sea is a cruel mistress.”

At press time the CTA had no comment on the now two-hour delays impacting all submarine routes throughout the city, but they have announced the construction of a monument for the 41 souls lost this morning when the USS Red Line was attacked by a giant squid.